I've cried a few times in front of S, but I've cried so so many times inside. I'm very scared of all this. Perhaps because it all is so beautiful it frightens you? My baby is so beautiful and I keep looking at him and think..can I do this? He is my responsibility now, and knowing that I took a self-decision to not use any babysitter and move into our own new house makes me wonder...why was I so brave to decide to? I'm crying (again) as I'm typing this and I'm just hoping that writing here would lighten myself a little. Shahmeer peed on me twice and I panicked so much. But then he smiled at me, and his smile meant just the world to me. And so I thought, this all can be very stressful, or can be very cute and funny and beautiful knowing that this creature will pee or even poo on me many more times in the future. It all depends on how we wanna perceive it, and I say...I'm gonna enjoy all this. Life feels so new - and weird - but I'm very much excited.